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| (i live in the world of dr. seuss maybe) |
For the past few weeks, I have been sitting on the thought of being an adult (in the most literal sense possible, I assure you). It has come to a point in my life in which I feel like I absolutely must make some decisions on what I should do with time. For the past twentytwo years, I have played, worked, and have been depressed. It was two years ago this month in which I was formally diagnosed with both depression and anxiety (general, but I suffer from social anxiety quite a bit). At the time, I dropped out of school (with an associates degree, so I guess I graduated. To be honest, it feels much more like I dropped out though), and then proceeded to lay around my house for the next six months doing nothing but doing my best to blend into the couch like I didn't exist.
Naturally, I am leaving out many details, such as my three months I spent going to counseling and the ever consistent pressure I got from my father to "get a job." I graduated the former, and accomplished the latter. I began working at a small business called Jumpin' Jacks, an indoor, inflatable playground for all ages. I decided this seemed like the perfect place to get back on my feet. I had to deal with people (which would help me overcome my social anxiety), and I would be making money (albeit slightly over minimum wage). It was/is part time, and I hate it. Mainly because it's work. This turned out to be my first lesson in adulthood; work sucks and nobody likes it, but we all have to do it.
A year and a half has passed since then. In this time I have decided not to return to school. I tried twice actually. Last Spring semester, I began the pre-elementary education, and thanks to my EDUC 1010 teacher, I was completely turned off by the entire idea of becoming a teacher. I tried again to go back to school this spring semester, but I did not receive any financial aid money other than loans. I already am in loan debt, so I would rather not accumulate any more.
However, all I have known in my life is going to school. So, what is there to do when you are no longer attending it? What is this magical thing that I am lacking that will finally, at last, transform me into an "adult?" (For the record, I am almost positive that philosophically questioning myself publicly on my own blog probably isn't it).
I must apologize in advance, but this post has no real solution to my problem, and I personally cannot fathom a solution either (I just have found myself writing in circles).To be completely honest, the only things that I even want to do with life is to be pretty and to listen to a lot of good music. I'm horribly shallow in this way, but I don't see this as being an entirely bad thing. However, how do these things formulate for me to being an adult? They probably don't, but I find this my only path to follow for the time being.
As so, this is the way I will be going. It's probably not the best way, but you won't ever go anywhere unless you pick a way to go.
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| i blend in with the rocks in my backyard. |
The beautiful but scary thing about becoming an adult is that there's no real way to do it. It just kind of happens? No one can make real sense of it. Sometimes I still feel seventeen. Other days I feel like I'm ready to retire already and find myself a cottage somewhere. It's weird because now, for the most part, we don't have the same obligations, like school k-12, the rules of being a minor, etc. So now I question all the choices I have to make for myself. I think the most comforting thing though is knowing we're not alone in this, and most people our age are struggling with similar things. :)
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